Classical Conditioning: Sometimes It's Not the Person. It's the Pattern.

The previous post highlighted Classical Conditioning at Workplace.

A recap: Classical Conditioning is when our brain automatically starts associating a previously neutral trigger with an experience that repeatedly evokes a particular emotional or physical response. Over time, the trigger itself begins producing that same response.

Our personal and social lives are not untouched by such conditioning, and funnily we don’t even realize how subtly it becomes a part of our routine.

Certain words, people, or places make you feel something or trigger any emotion - happiness, excitement, fear, anxiety, anger, or sadness - before anything has actually happened?

Think about these:

• Your spouse calling you by your full name
• A message from your partner saying, "We need to talk"
• The words "Exam Season"
• Your in-laws announcing they're visiting
• A call from your best friend.
• Or, how can I not mention... a call from Bajaj Finance (or any other financial institution)!

Strange, isn't it? Nothing has happened yet. No conversation. No event. No outcome.

And yet, your thoughts and emotions have already changed.

Classical Conditioning!!

Mention of an old friend instantly makes want to reconnect - positive association

Mention of a family member, or a place makes you stressed, your brain may be carrying a conditioning that deserves attention.

These associations exist for everyone, and it is important to understand ‘are they helping you or hurting you?’

It is time we pay attention to such patterns and separate positive from negative.

Breaking the Pattern

Try these steps:

1.       Identify the trigger: What exactly sets off the emotion in the given situation

2.       Observe and Recheck:

a.       Before reacting, pause and ask yourself: "Why did I respond this way? Is this emotion coming from the present situation or from a past experience?"

b.       Recheck if the same emotional response required or valid today.

3.       Replace with new experience
Gradually replace negative associations with healthier ones. Repeated positive experiences can help brain form new patterns.

4.       Seek support if needed
If the existing conditioned responses affect your relationships, confidence, or daily life, speaking with a mental health professional can help you reshape these patterns.  

Let me share few examples.

1. Your partner has not been replying to your calls and messages for several hours

Identify the trigger: Partner hasn’t replied for several hours → anxiety and fear of being abandoned.

Observe & Recheck: Pause and ask: “Is this reaction about what is happening now, or is it connected to what happened in my previous relationship?” 

Is the same level of anxiety justified in the present situation? Maybe my partner’s phone is out of charge, or they are busy in meetings.

Replace with a new experience: Avoid immediately assuming the worst. Give the situation space, communicate openly, and allow repeated experiences of reliability to create a new association. Discuss the situation with your partner and agree on a simple plan, for example, updating each other before a long meeting or when the phone is about to run out of charge.

Seek support if needed:
If the anxiety remains intense or repeatedly affects the relationship, consider professional support.

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2. A school or classroom setting triggering anxiety in an adult who experienced humiliation or bullying as a student.

Identify the trigger:
Entering a classroom → anxiety because of previous experiences of humiliation or bullying.

Observe & Recheck:
Pause and ask: “Am I responding to this classroom, or to what classrooms meant to me in the past?”
Is the fear relevant to my present environment?

Replace with a new experience:
Create safe, positive experiences in the setting, supportive interactions, manageable participation, and gradual exposure to the environment. For example, attend PTAs, spend time in your child’s classroom, and consciously notice positive interactions and experiences.

Seek support if needed:
If the anxiety is persistent or interferes with daily functioning, professional support can help.

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3. A parent’s raised voice triggering fear or withdrawal in an adult child, even when the present conversation is calm.

Identify the trigger:
A parent raises their voice → immediate fear, withdrawal, or defensiveness.

Observe & Recheck:
Pause and ask: “Is this person actually threatening me now, or is my response connected to how raised voices felt when I was growing up?”
Does the present situation require the same emotional response?

Replace with a new experience:

·         When it is safe to do so, try to separate the tone from the intention. The person may have a naturally loud way of communicating and may not necessarily be angry with you.

·         At the same time, communicate your own needs and boundaries. You can calmly tell the person that their tone affects you and ask them to communicate differently.

·         Repeated experiences of calm, respectful conversations can gradually help create a new association.

Seek support if needed:
If the conditioned response continues to affect the relationship or your wellbeing, professional support can help reshape the pattern.

Are there any such patterns that you would want to change? I would be keen to know more about it.