Article is dated: July 2016
Well, December is when we celebrate our marriage anniversary :)
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These 365 x 3 days gone by has left
a lot of learning for me. Well, every day brings some sort of learning if one
is ready to learn. These three years has not only taught me about our
relationship but has also helped me analyze myself and yes understand you
better too. :)
Recently a friend asked me 'Do you ever
shout at Varun' ... I thought for about a moment and replied “ahhhh, no”. Yes,
I sincerely thought about it as I wanted to be truthful to her and essentially
to myself. Next she asked, “Does Varun shout at you?”... “No. Not at all”. Wow,
I didn't even have to think! "So you guys don't fight??" “No.... Not
really,” I replied happily. That moment I realized I have really changed over
last three years. Yessss and it dawned on me while I was wording my thoughts.
"Actually, we used to fight.
In fact in the first year of our marriage we have serious fights almost once in
a month...that was the average". Yes
that's an accurate number as I crossed the dates on calendar on the days we
fought (one of the few helpful things I picked up from Bollywood films). I further
mentioned that gradually the cross marks on the calendar gradually reduced. How?
I did an analysis on why do we fight and if the reasons are genuine? Could the
fights have been avoided, if only I would have handled it another way? Or was I
completely wrong to say what I did, when I was angry (this was the most
difficult... trust me)? Did our fights coincided with my bad days? I did notice
how gloomy Varun would feel, when I said something extremely hurtful. The ego
plays your mind and uses your tongue as a pawn there, you see.
A
new approach
Guess the analysis kind of worked
for me. In our second year I thought I should be calmer (read quiet) and I
should ignore things that tempted me to argue. I thought if I can keep things
to myself and be alone for some time, I would be fine. To avoid arguments, I
using a new mantra “Varun, leave me alone for some time, I will be fine”. He
did that, thought he would keep wondering ‘what has happened to her now?’ and I
would actually be fine and get back to normalcy; however, maybe not for too
long. Emotions and complaints kept
piling up and once in a quarter (approx.) we would get into a really big one. Again
back to square one! Actually no, even worse, once or twice even Varun left
matters open- ended without bothering to resolve it. Perhaps he started feeling
'this is her usual drama'. I understood I need to change my approach and make
our lives better.
Last
nail on the wall
I realized all I need to do is talk
and discuss and highlight the issue that’s bothering me, events that has
affected me… not before giving it a good thought. If I am angry about
something, I should be able to give a genuine reasons for that (instead of
cribbing) and if possible solutions too. The matters should be communicated
between 1-24 hours, when the issue is well thought of and needs to be spoken. It is important to express your feelings but
equally important to express it in a way that can heal and not hurt. And
all this, irrespective of you are right or wrong. By this time we were in our
third year of togetherness and I could this approach working pretty well for us.
And of course I have stopped marking crosses on the calendar now. :D
Key
to success
It is said that ‘communication is
the key to a healthy relationship’ I would add to this, by saying that ‘how to communicate, is even more important
for a healthy and happy relationship’. It took me a while to comprehend
that, but I guess I am there, almost J
As much as it is important to
understand your partner in a relationship or marriage, it is equally essential
to understand your own self. I always thought that I am very patient and
tolerant person, I still believe that but Varun has beaten me in that area.
This is for you… Varun J
I believe that I am not living with
you under the same roof because we are married and I am bound by societal norms,
but I truly want to be with you all my life long.
I don't love you because we are
married now, but I love you enough to spend my life with you, and even if it
means being married.
I don't need you to live a life, but
I want you to be by my side.
Love you, always!!!
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